Chosen

I think if you were to put every single woman in the world together in one room and ask us what we wanted most we would be pretty unanimous.  There would be a few that would argue they wanted to be successful and accomplished while others may say they want to be famous, but the vast majority of us would say our true heart’s desire is to chosen.  We all want that one person who is willing to stand up in front of a crowd and say, “That’s the girl I want, I chose her!”   It’s the reason that we spend money on movies like Pretty Women.  No matter how many times you watch it, you are still hoping the Richard Gere will conquer his fear of heights and climb up your fire escape to profess his undying love.  Yes, I know he is a little old for most of us, but you get the idea!  If we can really be honest it is the one part of the Holiday season that none of us are looking forward to.  The two things we dread the most are the “& Guest” on an invitation and the infamous “So are you seeing anyone” that is sure to come at EVERY family function.  I personally hate both of those things!  The & Guest means I have to either go alone or see which guy friend I can sweet talk into doing something he hates, which ultimately ends in a barter that will include me attending some movie where things blow up and get really bloody. But the real reason I hate it is because in the back of my mind I hear that little voice reminding me that I still have not been chosen. 

The “so are you seeing anyone” has always been my least favorite.  Well actually, it’s the “oh” that comes after that I hate, which is usually followed by either someone trying to set me up with some else’s son or the reminder that I am not getting any younger.  We all love to hear that, just FYI.  I have to remind myself that the person making these comments is trying to be nice and has my best interest at heart, I think, when they say these things.  They really have no idea that what they have just done has reminded me once again that no one has yet to choose me.  It seems like the older we get, the harder this topic gets.  There are only so many times you can hear “You’re so amazing, why are you single” before you want to start strangling people.  I realize that I am not alone in these thoughts.  I am surround every week by amazing and beautiful women who have the same thoughts that I have.  At the heart of every woman, believer in Christ or not, we all long to be chosen.  We are woman and that is the way God designed us. 

The past couple of months I have really struggled with this.  If I could be really honest for a second, I will admit that many tears have been shed over this very issue.  Tonight however, I was told that I was chosen!  It’s been a rough day.  It’s actually been a really up and down past couple of days.  And the battle to be chosen has been a full on war in my heart and heart.  I am usually pretty unwavering in my beliefs and convictions, and this week, there was a part of me that wanted to throw it all out the window.  Don’t’ worry, I didn’t.  And the tonight  I came across this quote: “If Jesus gives us a task or assigns us to a difficult season, every ounce of our experience is meant for our instruction and completion if only we'll let Him finish the work. I fear, however, that we are so attention-deficit that we settle for bearable when beauty is just around the corner.” ― Beth Moore

It was the last sentence that got me “we are so attention-deficit that we settle for bearable when beauty is just around the corner.”  The phrase stopped me in my tracks.  Am I really letting the opinions of others and the influence of culture get to me so much that I would settle for bearable when beauty is around the corner?  I know that I am a loved daughter of the King and that I was created to make much of Him, but do I have to do it alone for the rest of my life God?  That is the question that has weighed heavy on my heart.  I love being single, don’t get me wrong.  I wouldn’t trade the past couple of years of my single life for anything in this world.  God has used me in such amazing ways and I know that could not have happened if I was married.  But, I am still a girl.  And my desire to be chosen still exists. 

“You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit-fruit that will last.  Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.” [John 15:16]  That’s Jesus talking to us ladies.  He chose us!  He chose me and He chose you!  Those words were said with me in mind.  That is the creator of the universe saying that He chose me long before I was even a thought in my parents mind.  What a powerful thought to rest in!  Now, I am not saying that made my longing to be chosen by the one I was created for has gone away.  But, it did give me a little perspective.  If God, who knew me before I was born and knit me together in my mother womb chose me, why would I settle for anything less than who He chose for me?  You are beautiful my friends and you are chosen by the God who created the universe.  So let’s tackle the Holiday season this year knowing that we are already chosen! 

April

Being Known

I absolutely love moments in life when you finally realize something that God has been trying to show you for months.  The joy, and in my case laughter, that comes when the blinders come off.  For me that moment was just a few minutes ago.  The move to Houston has been one of the hardest things I have ever done.  There have been so many ups and downs and lately I think the downs have far outnumbered the ups.  Everything familiar is gone.  I feel like every part of who I was in the last 32 years is gone and I am learning a whole new person.  It has been hard and so very frustrating.  I have gotten angry with God and we have had words!  But like a loving father, he allowed my temper tantrum and then said, “Are you done?” As soon as I would reply with a “yes” he would once again begin moving things around in my life.  I remember not so long ago telling a friend of mine that all I wanted was one good day.  Well, if I were being honest they haven’t all been bad days.  In fact, most of my life here in Houston has been amazing.  God has put incredible people in my path who have loved me and stood beside me through thick and thin.  It just seems that the bad days have been really bad. 

So, this morning as I was doing my devotional a revelation hit me like a ton of bricks.  I have been wondering for months, and several people have even asked me, why it is that I feel so much more at home here in Houston than I ever did in my real home Atlanta.  I am a city girl my nature so I have wondered if maybe that has something to do with it.  I realized today that is not it.  When I moved to Houston I knew one person.  That person knew who I was and some of my background and all the things I had accomplished in Atlanta, but no one else did.  My immediate reaction when I moved was to get plugged in, volunteer and do what I had always done.  That was not God’s plan for me.  God has called me into a season of “being” and can I just tell you that is the hardest thing in the world for me.  I totally understand why Martha got mad at Mary!  I would have been cheering her on if I was there.  The reason I am not good at being is because I am not really sure who I am when I am holding still.  If I am planning an event or in a production booth I know who I am and what my task is.  I also know that I am in control and that I am good at what I do.  I can’t help but laugh right now.  I have been neither of those people since I moved.  I am not an event planner or a video director right now.  And that has had my world upside down.  God has closed door after door to both of those things in the last couple of months.

I have always wondered who I would be if my talents and titles were ever taken away?  Would people still like me?  Would God still be able to use me?  God gave me the answer today.  Yes!  The relationships I have now are so strong and despite all the adversity I am still flourishing.  God is using me to make a difference and I am not an event planner or a video director.  He moved me 900 miles away from everything I knew and took away everything that I was good at to show me that people will love me for me and he can use me even in the most acquired of situations.  I have authentic community with amazing people and most of them have no idea what I am really good at.  They don’t know April the in control planner/director.  They know April.  That alone is worth every once of pain that I have been through in the last couple of months! 

April

Idol…

I am going through an amazing Bible study right now called "No other Gods," that talks about the things that become idols in our lives. This has proven to be one of the hardest, yet most rewarding studies I have ever done. God is opening up every corner of my life and showing me areas that are not truly His. This has been a painful process and today was no exception. The study started out with the story of the rich young ruler. As a child who grew up in church I have heard this story many times. And every time I hear it I think to myself that if giving up everything material I have is what is required to follow Jesus, than ok! Sounds easy enough for me. But that childhood story took on a whole new meaning today. The author took Jesus' words to the young ruler and phrased them just like this. "There's something you lack. You are missing treasure in heaven and you are unable to follow Me because something has a hold of you that is more important to you than Me."

I truly believe that was one of those moments when the words jumped off the page and the voice of God say, "Hey You! I am talking to you." I didn't even have to ask Him what He was talking about. I knew. In my heart I knew exactly what He was talking about. I also knew this day was coming. There is one area of my life that I have been trying so hard to hold on to. My fear is that if God takes this one thing that He can't possibly replace it with anything better. How could He take something that seems so perfect and make it better? But, if I were completely honest with myself I would have to admit that it is not as perfect as it seems. It has flaws and has caused pain. But I have chosen to ignore the pain because the idea of letting it go would cause a greater pain. Letting go has been in the back of my mind for a while now. I have just been determined to make it work. That was my plan. What is that old saying; if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans? My plan is no longer. And in its place is an empty spot. The great surgeon is doing some major open heart surgery right now and to be honest, it hurts.

There is hope though. There is hope because my God is a God of hope. And He has promised that He will never leave me. He sees the future and He knows that there will be joy again. I am always amazed at how God will teach me one of His characteristics right before I will need to lean into it. The last couple of days He has shown me over and over again that He is my Redeemer. He was teaching me that so that I could face the lesson I would learn today. The song that is currently playing in the background says it all.

"I know my Redeemer lives. I know my Redeemer lives. All of creation testifies, this life inside me cries, I know my Redeemer lives!"

Praying through the process!

April

Uprooting…

I recently began reading the book "A Bitter and Sweet Providence" by John Piper. It talks about the lives of Ruth, Naomi and Boaz. In the section I am reading today it was talking specifically about Naomi and how she was focused on the bitter providence and was totally missing the sweet. The sentence that jumped out at me was "In the darkest of our times, God is plotting for our glory." Right now feels like a dark time in my life. So much upheaval and so much change has brought me to my knees more times that I can count. Being the Christian dummy that I am, I actually try and stand from time to time when God really wants me to stay on my knees. There have also been some pretty sweet moments as well. Moments when I look back and realize that the only way I made it through was because I have a Savior who loves me more than my mind can fathom. In the back of my mind I am constantly hearing, don't give up, I am not done with you yet. I honestly have no idea what God is trying to accomplish right now.

I have a mental image of someone trying to pull a bush out of the ground that has some very deep roots. There is one part of my life right now that I think that pertains to and I am fighting hard against it. God is pulling hard trying to get rid of this old lifeless part of my life, but the roots are deep and the harder He pulls the more I resist. In my very limited experience with gardening I remember trying to uproot plants that had deep roots. You would pull and dig and use any sharp object to cut through the roots, thinking that you were finally done only to realize that a bigger root was still attached and hidden much deeper. In these painful moments of God taking away He is softly reminding me that what He is going to plant in return will be so much more beautiful. Who better to plant something new than the author of creation, right? Still, there is a part of me that wants to hang on to what is safe and known. There is a part of me that doesn't trust that God really does know what is better.

It is in those moments that I am reminded on Naomi. She thought she had lost it all. She was so devastated she even changed her own name. What she says in Ruth 1:20-21 "Do not call me Naomi; call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. I went away full and the Lord has brought me back empty." But what I get caught up on is the fact that Naomi has Ruth standing by her side while she is saying all of this. I don't want to ever lose sight of the good God is doing in my life because I can't see past the bad. I know that God has a reason for this season in my life. I also know that He is plotting for my glory. My prayer for my life is that I get out of my own way and I allow God to do with me what I can't.

April

Focus Shift

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Cancer

Cancer – something evil and malignant that spreads destructively

Cancer is something that has been destructive in my life before. This is not the first time I have faced this evil. And when news arrived today that this evil could potentially once again become part of my everyday life the fear that took over almost suffocated me. In fact, I still feel like it might suffocate me. The last time these words hit close to home I lost one of the people I loved most in this world. My perfectly planned out day came to a screeching haul in a five minute phone call. I still haven't recovered. I feel numb. We are not even sure that is the battle we are facing and I am already going numb. The next three days of my life are sure to be some of the longest. One small vial of blood and three long days are going to determine if I will once again be staring down the one thing that scares me the most. I am not the one who is sick. It is not my body that will be attacked. In this case I almost wish it was. No, it is my mother. My mom who is 900 miles away. The one I can't hold right now and tell her it will be ok. I am the oldest child. It is my job to keep everything together. I have officially been deemed the one to change bandages and listen to the doctors and making sure meds are taken in moments when hospitals and doctors enter our lives. That's hard to do from 900 miles away.

Right now I am listening to worship songs saying praise the King and God is in control and my heart feels so far from that. Flash backs to the days leading up to Ricks death are flooding my thoughts and the tears are pouring. I don't want to go through that again. I am not one to jump the gun. When it comes to bad news from doctors I usually wait until it is confirmed. I am the optimistic one in the group. I have no problems believing that God is in control and that He will work all things together for his good. But cancer and my mom are two areas that I don't play and holding it together is far from reality right now.

Still, in the back of my mind is this ever so small voice say, "I am in control, I love you, I love her." I will choose to believe that voice! It will be hard and if cancer truly is the battle we are facing it will get even harder. I don't want to do this again. I know that God used Rick's death to change lives including my own. I also know that Ricks story and out come are not my moms.

"Fix our eyes on Jesus, the Author and perfecter of our faith…" Hebrews 12:2

If you are reading this, please keep my family in your prayers as we face the next couple of days and weeks!

April

***UPDATE*** The blog that you just read was written last week. Due to personal reasons and a few unknowns, it could not be published at the time it was written. I am excited to inform you that cancer is not the battle we face! Praise be to God and thanks to each of you who prayed my family through this time. Thanks for doing life with me.

Surrender, Breathing Again and Joy

For those of you who do not know, the last week of my life has been one of the hardest week's I have had in a very long time. It was one of those weeks when everything that could go wrong did go wrong. I literally dealt with disappointment after disappointment. Early on in the week I was having a conversation with a friend of mine who simply asked me what was it that I wanted to do with my life. I couldn't answer. For the first time in a long time I didn't have a clue. I had begun to feel defeated and like my life was losing purpose. This is one of the things that I fear the most. That simple question sent my whole week into a tail spin that ended with me opening up my hands as tears poured down my face and me saying, "God I give up!" In that moment I whole heartedly surrendered and admitted to my Savior that I needed Him to be exactly that, a Savior. The tears didn't end there. I forced myself off the couch and headed to Summer Bible study at my church. I came in late and sat in the back hoping no one would notice I was there because I knew one compassionate look and the waterworks were coming on strong. A sweet friend of mine sat next to me in the back and as the band sang "Oh my God, He will not delay my refuge and strength, always" my hands went up in surrender and the tears just flowed. I couldn't get the words of the song out because of the tears, but in my heart I was singing. My sweet MJ put her hand on my shoulder and the tears flowed even more. I knew that no matter what happen next that my God would be my refuge and strength always. I always knew that I was not alone. God had put some amazing people in my life who were going to walk though this with me.

The next afternoon while sitting at lunch with my small group girls, one of them gave me the name and number of a production company to call about doing some contract labor. I am an event planner, it's what I have always done. But, my heart has always come alive when I have been in a control room or had a camera in my hands. I am by no means the greatest, but man do I love it! So, I gave the production company a call to see if they needed any contract camera operators. I smile as I think about that conversation. God took control of that conversation. All I remember is that they started asking about my experience and we started talking about lighting and camera angles and video editing and for the first time in a very long time I felt like I could breathe again. I was reminded about a conversation that I had with my amazing friend Emily Davis several months back when she had asked me why I wasn't pursuing my passion as a career. I told her that I was an event planner. In her sweet voice she said, "Yes I know and you are very good at it, you planned my wedding remember." I knew it was coming, "but April, why aren't you doing what you were created to do?" Me being me, I argued with her. But that conversation has always been in the back of my head. The entire time I was on the phone that conversation was in the back of my head. By the time I hung up the phone I had an interview planned for Tuesday (today) and there were two things I was certain of. First, I finally knew the path and direction I was supposed to go and second, Emily was really going to enjoy hear "You were right."

Well, Emily did enjoy hearing she was right. She always does. I love you Em! And, my meeting today went great! We are still trying to work out the moving pieces, but there is direction and for the first time in a long time, there is joy. I know that God knew this day was coming, but I had to get through the bad days first. I don't know what the future looks like. Things could fall apart just as quickly as the came together. But I know that no matter what my God is my Savior and joy comes in the morning. I hope that this in some way encourages someone else. God is good in the bad days and the good. I will keep you posted on the new career!

April