Harvey

Harvey is finally gone, but his presence will be felt for years to come.  Right now, as I type this I can hear the helicopters in the background.  A sound that I have grown all too accustomed to in the last five days.  My home was not flooded and my car was left untouched, but my heart will forever be changed.  In some ways, I wish I could wipe this terrible memory from my mind.  I wish I could forget the sleepless nights and the moments when I thought my home was about to be ripped apart.  I will never forget the alarms going off every 15-20 minutes and the sound of the helicopters flying so close while looking for people who were stranded in the homes. The news has been a constant 24-hour stream of people who are hurting and broken. 

Harvey brought out a new level of fear to everyone he came in contact with.  He was everywhere and he was all consuming.  You couldn’t turn on a television or look out a window without being reminded of his presence.  He left no stone unturned and no life untouched.  He did his best to destroy this city and left scars that may never fully heal.

The emotions I have experienced in these past few days are like nothing I have ever gone through.  Text conversations with groups of friends and co-workers have been a source of laughter, joy, sorrow, tears, and anger.  I have cried at the bad news and rejoiced at the good.  Felt completely helpless in some moments and empowered in others.  The needs are so great that sometimes I don’t even know where to begin.  I’ve set down to pray and the words are just not there.  In a moment when I should be praying the most, I have felt so overwhelmed with the need that I just sat in silence and ask the Lord to search my heart.  I have had feelings of guilt because I was “one of the lucky ones” followed by moments of intense sadness because people I love were not so lucky.  I think about a dear friend who just started her life with her new husband and has lost almost everything.  I cannot begin to imagine what she is going through, but I will stand next to her during the process and love her with everything in me. 

Harvey may have made a gallant effort to destroy Houston physically, but he has not destroyed her spiritually.  The saying is correct, “Don’t mess with Texas!” We are strong. We are courageous. And we are one!  I can honestly say that of all the emotions I have experienced, pride has been one of the strongest.  I have never been so proud to be a Houstonian as I am today.  We have taken care of our own and have fought back.  Harvey took his best shot at us, and it was a big one, but we will have the final say!  We have come together regardless of race, religion, or background and wrapped our arms around each other and helped one another wade through the storm. 

 

As the song from Les Misérables goes, “even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.” Seeing the sunlight come pouring through my windows brought tears to my eyes. I felt like fresh life was being breathed into my tired, weary soul. I look around a city that was nearly destroyed and I see all that we have accomplished in such a short amount of time. Homes that are being put back together, families being reunited, donation centers overflowing, employers offering additional PTO to encourage people to help! My heart swells just thinking about it all. Some might say our county was being torn about by racial wars just a few short weeks ago, but no! Here we are in the most culturally diverse city in this great country and we are showing the rest of the world what it is supposed to look like! A black officer carrying two white children, a white man carrying a Hispanic female and her child, old helping young, Christian helping Muslim, needs being met by those who are available. The world is watching us Houston and we are showing them what love looks like.

I pray that as we go forward we don’t forget these moments when the only thing that matter is helping the human in front of you. I pray that every water stained wall and debris lined street would remind us of God’s grace and mercy. I pray that as long as the reminders of Harvey’s destruction remain, so would the reminders of our unity during these dark days. Tonight I can’t help but think, the stars at night, are big and bright, DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS!

Isaiah 43:2

When you go through deep waters,

    I will be with you.

When you go through rivers of difficulty,

    you will not drown. 

The greatest of all romance

with arms held high Lord I give my life

knowing I’m found in Christ in your love forever

with all I am in your grace I stand

the greatest of all romance…. love of God my Savior

I still remember the first time I heard the words above.  It was one of those Sundays where you are there, but not really.  You know the ones I’m talking about.  The Sundays where your body is there but your heart and mind are a million miles away.  Yeah, that’s the one.  I was going through the motions that particular Sunday because deep down inside I knew that pain and heartbreak were right around the corner for me and I knew that it was going to be Gods fault and we were getting ready for a battle.  My very presence in church that Sunday was almost a plea for Him not to do what I knew He was going to do. 

But before we go there, maybe I should back up a little bit.  You see, fifteen years ago my heart was broken.  A man I thought I loved walked out on me and I’m talking ripped my heart out of my chest and stopped on it while heading out the door.  I remember being so hurt that I didn’t know how to breathe and then going numb.  And then I stayed numb.  For almost fifteen years.  Don’t get me wrong, there were other men that came along but I knew in the end they would walk away, so I helped that process by sabotaging before they got a chance to hurt me.   But during that time God began to work in my life and slowly heal the hurt.  I began to forgive and put the pieces of my broken heart back together.  During that time, God brought along an amazing friend that would not only love me through the hurt and pain, but love me well.  No matter how hard I would push, he would push back with love.  But one beautiful summer afternoon he was diagnosed with leukemia and too soon after that he was gone.  And my heart was once again broken.  I spent the next year of my life going through the motions until one September afternoon, God and I had a come to Jesus moment on a park bench in New York and I finally agreed to let Him begin healing my heart if He would restore my joy.  Being the faithful father that He is, He held up His end of the bargain, and slowly the pieces of my heart came back together.  And this time it would beat a little stronger because someone had shown me what it was like to truly love.

So let’s fast forward to the Sunday not too long ago.  I had started seeing someone and was slowly beginning to open up my heart once again.  He was charming and funny and seemed to be all the things I had always prayed for.  He wasn’t perfect, but then who is.  He understood my ugly parts and I his, well for the most part.  At first, everything was great.  But then things started to come up.  Things that caused me to internally question while externally I was telling all of my girlfriends how sweet and wonderful and amazing he was.  The more into the relationship we got the more problems that seemed to surface and although my mouth was a long way from admitting it, in my heart I knew that the end was drawing near.  I knew the fun times of double dates and finally being invited to all the couples events was about to end.  I also knew that I was about to go back to RSVP’ing for just one.  Ladies, can you feel my pain! The fairy tale that I was trying so hard to force into existence was becoming the chick flick that doesn’t end the way we want it to. 

One this particular Sunday morning, I remember walking into church with my closes friend and her soon to be husband, who, on a side note, is so close to couple perfection you don’t know if you want to hug them or punch them, so I just love them in spite of their annoying perfection! I remember looking at them and thinking how nice it would be to have that one day.  That train of thought led me to “you’re dating someone, you should be happy.”  But to be honest, in the moment I was far from happy.  In my heart I began to get angry with God.  And in the moment I started to tell Him that I was angry.  I admited that I felt let down and wondered why He would bring someone into my life that I seemed to have so much in common but yet there were the blatant red flags that were getting bigger and bigger as each day progressed.  About the time we hit the chorus, my pouting hit an all-time low and my heart said “God don’t you love me enough to give me that kind of romance, the kind that I see in the two people to my right?”  Talk about being hit between the eyes.  God knows that I tend to not be so bright, so in this moment of self-pity He spelled it out in big bold letter written on three huge screens.  The greatest of all romance, love of God my Savior!

I’d like to tell you that I went home that day broke it off and have been happily serving Jesus every day since, but that is not how this story ends. Truthfully, I stayed in the relationship longer than I should have.  I believed that if I loved him enough and prayed for him enough that one day God would miraculously heal all that was broken and we would sail off into the sunset. Even now there is a part of me that still hurts to relive the story.  A part of me is still grieving the loss of the fairy tale. I would like to say that I am fully healed and that it doesn’t feel like something is missing from my life, but that just isn’t the case.  The truth is that there is in fact something missing in my life right now.  There is a hole that once belonged to a person who made me laugh and filled my Saturday nights with fun dates and Mario Kart competitions.  But there is also hope.  There is hope that God is still at work and He has a plan.  I am leaning into the words of Psalms 130:5 “I wait for the Lord, my soul does wait, and in His word do I hope.”

I love the bridge to the song above.  The words have become my anthem these past few weeks and I hope that I will be singing it through all of life’s trials and troubles.

to the one who has rescued my soul. to the one who has welcomed me home. to the one who is   Savior of all….

I sing forever

Lost

I relate most of life to song lyrics. In fact, if I were totally honest, I would have chosen to be a writer if I had an ounce of that talent for it.  I truly envy people like Chris Tomlin, Matt Redman, Kristian Stanfill and Joel Houston.  I struggle to memorize scripture, but I can sing you every word of the latest Chris Tomlin CD.  As I write this the latest Christy Nockles song is currently set on repeat.  

Should I ever be abandoned Should I ever be acclaimed Should I ever be surrounded by the fire and the flame There's a name I will remember There's a name I will proclaim Let it be, let it be my Jesus!

It is on repeat not because I love the song, although I do very much love the song, it is on repeat because that is where I feel like I am in my life right now.  Abandoned….. Surrounded by fire and flame… Stuck in a place of pain and uncertainty.  I’m in a place of not knowing what is next so I have these lyrics to remind me that there is a name I can remember, there is a name I can proclaim…. That name is the most powerful name on earth.  It’s the name of Jesus!  And even in these moments of hurt and confusion and feeling utterly lost…. HE. IS. HERE. 

He has not left me.  He has not forsaken me.  He is not done writing my story.  Another set of lyrics that I love come from Genny Owen, “path is broken and the signs are unclear, and I don’t know the reason why you have brought me here.  But just because you love me the way you do, I’m gonna walk through the valley, if you want me to.”  I have heard that God will allow those he plans on using the most to go through the most.  I am not completely sure of his plan for me, but sometimes I feel a little overwhelmed with how much he trust me with.  At this moment I might even admit that sometimes I feel like giving up and giving in.  But God, in is goodness and his love for me brings another set of words to my mind and heart.  This time, they are his words. 

[1 Peter 1:6-8} You rejoice in this, though now for a short time you have had to struggle in various trials so that the genuineness of your faith—more valuable than gold, which perishes though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. You love Him, though you have not seen Him. And though not seeing Him now, you believe in Him and rejoice with inexpressible and glorious joy, because you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

Because of those words, I can fall asleep tonight declaring….  Should I ever be abandoned… Should I ever be acclaimed… Should I ever be surrounded by the fire and the flame… There’s a name I can remember… There’s a name I can proclaim…..

Let it be JESUS!

Finding Easter

For me, Easter in the past ten years has always been a task that had a never ending to-do list.  The amount of planning that Easter typically requires of me is enough to push even the most talented of planners to the point of insanity.  This year has not been much different than any other.  The need for the Superwomen cape has been growing in full force over the past few weeks, and the pressures to succeed have slowly been building at a rapid pace.

However, life sometimes throws you curveballs.  And for me, life threw me several really big curveballs, three to be exact, all within 72 hours of each other.  All were totally unforeseen and all equally as painful.  My brain had just begun to grasp the first when the second came only to have the third hit right as the dust was beginning to settle.  There were a few days when I cringed every time my phone made a noise.

My normal “fix it” attitude began to kick in and I was already formulating a check list of things I could do to make things right in the world.  But God had other plans.  In the midst of hurt and confusion I felt this voice in my spirit telling me to pause, to wait and to trust.  Trust in the one who would never leave me.  Trust in the one who would never forsake me.  Trust in the one who bled and died that I might be healed.  I found myself clinging to the words of Isaiah 53:5….

But HE was pierced……

for my transgressions

HE was crushed……..

for my iniquities

the punishment that brought me peace…….

was on HIM

and by HIS wounds

I, someone who in that moment felt broken beyond repair

I am healed.

I took those words on a Monday morning to heart and I did what I very rarely do.  I paused.  I let the words sink in.  I threw the to-do list out the window and allowed God to speak.  As if pausing Monday wasn’t enough, I paused Tuesday as well.  Yes, there were task that needed to be completed and meetings to attend, but in my heart I paused.  I didn’t think about the big looming problem that needed to be fixed, I paused.  The pause went from Tuesday, to Wednesday and on into Thursday evening and our Maundy Thursday service.  For the first time in a long time I sat in a service and listened to the words that were being sung and the message being spoken and took it all in without thinking about the task ahead.  Friday arrived and the to-do list slowly snuck its way in, but only for a short while.  At a Good Friday service I did something I hadn’t done in a while, I contemplated the cross.  I thought about what Jesus did for me.  I reflected on the pain he endured so that I may be free.  So that in moments like this last week, my wounds would be healed.  I sat and listened as someone sang Kari Jobe’s What love is this and let the words pour into my aching soul.

You never change, you are the God you say you are;
When I'm afraid you calm and still my beating heart.
You stay the same, when hope is just a distant thought,
You take my pain, and you lead me to the cross

What love is this, that you gave your life for me
And made a way for me to know you
And I confess you're always enough for me you're all I need

I sat and listened and for the first time in a really long time I connected with Easter.  With all that had been done for me.  I understood that these trials, though they are hurting now, would be resolved and I would heal.  And one day, this would all make sense.  Yes, there is still much to be done, but tomorrow is Easter.  Tomorrow, after having looked back on the cross, I will rejoice in the risen Savor. 

What love is this that you gave your life for me and made a way for me to know you?

Lord, I confess, you’re always enough for me. 

You are all I need.

Fighting for Joy…

January is typically my least favorite month of the year.  The holidays are over, everyone is back in a “normal” routine and the weather is cold and dreary.  For me, it is always filled with the emotions of what is next and did I really accomplish anything worthwhile last year.  A normal January for me will start off at Passion Conference with thousands of college students turning their lives upside down for the Gospel.  A few short days later, I am back to my routine and suffering from withdraws from my team and the high that comes from serving others.  Yes, serving others is a high for me.  It’s like a drug.  I enjoy it.  When the wheels are falling off during a conference, somewhere deep down inside I am as happy as a little clam.  But this year started off a little differently.  There was no conference, no euphoric state and no team to have withdraws from.  New Years Eve and New Years Day were great; in fact they were some of the best of my year so far.  It was the getting back into my routine shortly after that which caused the problem.

If I were completely honest, the past couple of weeks have been some of the hardest I have dealt with in a long time.  Being joyful is not really on the to-do list these days.  I will openly admit that I hate it every time my phone makes a noise.  I kind of feel like every phone call, email and text will have another reminder of how I am not enough or too much all at the same time.  You know that feeling; you can’t do anything right and everything you touch turns into ash faster than you can blink an eye?  That is where I have been for the past few weeks.  I have actually had several days where my phone has been turned off for hours and it was the most blissful few hours of my whole day.  The down side has been that I had to turn it back on and the moment that little fan thing stopped turning the reminders of my short comings started dinging away.    

I have spent most of the month clinging to verses like Matthew 11:28 “Come to Me, all of you who work and have heavy loads. I will give you rest” and 2 Corinthians 12:9 “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  But if the truth be known, I don’t really enjoy being burdened or weak.  Not that anyone does.  However, for some reason that is how I have started this year.  Burdened, weak, confused, frustrated, hurt and totally disheartened.  But as the weeks progress I am starting to see that the light at the end of the tunnel really isn’t a train and there might be hope yet.  It is in these moments of helplessness that I hear a gentle voice reminding me that He isn’t done with me yet and maybe there is something bigger going on that I just can’t see.  Even tonight as I was writing this I came across the words from Ephesians 6:12-13 “Our fight is not with people. It is against the leaders and the powers and the spirits of darkness in this world. It is against the demon world that works in the heavens. Because of this, put on all the things God gives you to fight with. Then you will be able to stand in that sinful day. When it is all over, you will still be standing.”  I love that last part.  When it is all over, you WILL still be standing.  There is no maybe.  It’s not a question.  It’s a declaration.  For me, it feels like a promise. 

I don’t really know what God is doing right now.  That is actually how I spend most of my life.  Not fully aware of what God is doing.  But I do know that he is at work in my life and the lives of those around me.  I also know that if I will allow myself to be open to HIS calling, He will use me to change lives for His glory.  But I have to trust Him in the process and I have to fight for joy.  Nehemiah 8:10 reminds us that “the Joy of the Lord is our strength.”  My strength comes not in surviving the unwanted text messages or the phone calls that tell me I am not enough.  My strength comes from finding joy in Him.  Because when I really get to the heart of it all, He is really all I need.  And His joy is my strength.  

April

I'm going to China!!!

Dear Friends and Family,

I am so excited to tell you about an upcoming adventure in my life.  Many of you know that missions is something that is very near and dear to my heart.  I have participated in and lead around a half dozen mission trips here in the US.  However, my heart’s desire has always been to serve an unreached people group overseas.  After many years of praying and lots of closed doors, God has finally opened the door for me to go and serve the people of East Asia. 

In October of this year, I will be traveling with my home church of Houston’s First Baptist with a group of 14 people to an undisclosed location in East Asia.  We will be working with the J People.  For security purposes, we are not told their full name or their location.  Most of the population is farmers, working with livestock and various crops.  Right now, there are believed to be between 20-30 believers in the 300,000 person population.  That is about .01%.  Currently, there are no Bible translations or even a written language of the J People.  A small team of people are currently working on translating ten Old Testament stories into the J People’s language. 

Last summer I had the privilege to lead a team of 150 missionaries as we went into one of the darkest place in our city.  Carrying the words of Isaiah 58:10 “If you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your life will rise in the darkness and your night will become like the noonday” we brought hope to the lives of many through hamburgers and craft projects.  This fall, I will get the privilege to once again bring hope.  I won’t speak their language and will spend more time traveling then in the city, but I know that God will use me to somehow be a blessing.

Why am I telling you all of this?  I know what it is like to play a small part in Gods great big story and I am asking all of you to join with me. 

·         First would be prayerfully.  It is not possible for us to go on this trip without a mighty group of prayer warriors praying for us from now until we land safely home.  Over the coming months I will be blogging about the trip.  Feel free to follow my story at http://tuesdaysatgringers.blogspot.com/.

·         The second way that you can join me is through financial support.  The total cost of the trip is $2,700.  I know that God is so much bigger than that number and that he works in the lives of others to accomplish great things.  If you are interested in donating to my trip simply go to http://houstonsfirst.org/connect/give/missions/trips-opportunities/mission-trips/. Once you have logged in or selected guest, simply select the East Asia trip and type in my name. 

·         Finally, I will need all the encouragement you have to offer.  This is a big step for me and I am excited to see what God has in store.

I am beyond blessed to have so many people in my life who are willing to come along side me on this journey.  The words to Christy Nockles song Sing Along are playing in my head as I write these words, “Let YOUR song rise and fill up the earth, let YOUR hope ring out, let YOUR heart be heard.”  There is no feeling in the world that compares to joy of knowing that your days have been spent proclaiming Jesus to a lost and dying world.  As I leave you, I wanted to share the story of one of our church members who has been on this trip before.  Please enjoy Rogers story and I look forward to having each of you along with me on this journey.  http://houstonsfirst.org/article/rogers-story/

Let HOPE rise!

April Pearson