January is
typically my least favorite month of the year.
The holidays are over, everyone is back in a “normal” routine and the
weather is cold and dreary. For me, it
is always filled with the emotions of what is next and did I really accomplish anything
worthwhile last year. A normal January
for me will start off at Passion Conference with thousands of college students
turning their lives upside down for the Gospel.
A few short days later, I am back to my routine and suffering from
withdraws from my team and the high that comes from serving others. Yes, serving others is a high for me. It’s like a drug. I enjoy it.
When the wheels are falling off during a conference, somewhere deep down
inside I am as happy as a little clam.
But this year started off a little differently. There was no conference, no euphoric state and
no team to have withdraws from. New
Years Eve and New Years Day were great; in fact they were some of the best of
my year so far. It was the getting back
into my routine shortly after that which caused the problem.
If I were completely honest,
the past couple of weeks have been some of the hardest I have dealt with in a
long time. Being joyful is not really on
the to-do list these days. I will openly
admit that I hate it every time my phone makes a noise. I kind of feel like every phone call, email
and text will have another reminder of how I am not enough or too much all at
the same time. You know that feeling;
you can’t do anything right and everything you touch turns into ash faster than
you can blink an eye? That is where I
have been for the past few weeks. I have
actually had several days where my phone has been turned off for hours and it
was the most blissful few hours of my whole day. The down side has been that I had to turn it
back on and the moment that little fan thing stopped turning the reminders of
my short comings started dinging away.
I have spent most of the month
clinging to verses like Matthew 11:28 “Come to Me, all of you
who work and have heavy loads. I will give you rest” and 2 Corinthians 12:9 “My
grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” But if the truth be known, I don’t really
enjoy being burdened or weak. Not that anyone
does. However, for some reason that is
how I have started this year. Burdened,
weak, confused, frustrated, hurt and totally disheartened. But as the weeks progress I am starting to
see that the light at the end of the tunnel really isn’t a train and there
might be hope yet. It is in these
moments of helplessness that I hear a gentle voice reminding me that He isn’t
done with me yet and maybe there is something bigger going on that I just can’t
see. Even tonight as I was writing this I
came across the words from Ephesians 6:12-13 “Our fight is not with
people. It is against the leaders and the powers and the spirits of darkness in
this world. It is against the demon world that works in the heavens. Because of
this, put on all the things God gives you to fight with. Then you will be able
to stand in that sinful day. When it is all over, you will still be standing.” I love that last part. When it is all over, you WILL still be
standing. There is no maybe. It’s not a question. It’s a declaration. For me, it feels like a promise.
I don’t really know what God
is doing right now. That is actually how
I spend most of my life. Not fully aware
of what God is doing. But I do know that
he is at work in my life and the lives of those around me. I also know that if I will allow myself to be
open to HIS calling, He will use me to change lives for His glory. But I have to trust Him in the process and I
have to fight for joy. Nehemiah 8:10
reminds us that “the Joy of the Lord is our strength.” My strength comes not in surviving the unwanted
text messages or the phone calls that tell me I am not enough. My strength comes from finding joy in
Him. Because when I really get to the
heart of it all, He is really all I need.
And His joy is my strength.
April
