Lost

I relate most of life to song lyrics. In fact, if I were totally honest, I would have chosen to be a writer if I had an ounce of that talent for it.  I truly envy people like Chris Tomlin, Matt Redman, Kristian Stanfill and Joel Houston.  I struggle to memorize scripture, but I can sing you every word of the latest Chris Tomlin CD.  As I write this the latest Christy Nockles song is currently set on repeat.  

Should I ever be abandoned Should I ever be acclaimed Should I ever be surrounded by the fire and the flame There's a name I will remember There's a name I will proclaim Let it be, let it be my Jesus!

It is on repeat not because I love the song, although I do very much love the song, it is on repeat because that is where I feel like I am in my life right now.  Abandoned….. Surrounded by fire and flame… Stuck in a place of pain and uncertainty.  I’m in a place of not knowing what is next so I have these lyrics to remind me that there is a name I can remember, there is a name I can proclaim…. That name is the most powerful name on earth.  It’s the name of Jesus!  And even in these moments of hurt and confusion and feeling utterly lost…. HE. IS. HERE. 

He has not left me.  He has not forsaken me.  He is not done writing my story.  Another set of lyrics that I love come from Genny Owen, “path is broken and the signs are unclear, and I don’t know the reason why you have brought me here.  But just because you love me the way you do, I’m gonna walk through the valley, if you want me to.”  I have heard that God will allow those he plans on using the most to go through the most.  I am not completely sure of his plan for me, but sometimes I feel a little overwhelmed with how much he trust me with.  At this moment I might even admit that sometimes I feel like giving up and giving in.  But God, in is goodness and his love for me brings another set of words to my mind and heart.  This time, they are his words. 

[1 Peter 1:6-8} You rejoice in this, though now for a short time you have had to struggle in various trials so that the genuineness of your faith—more valuable than gold, which perishes though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. You love Him, though you have not seen Him. And though not seeing Him now, you believe in Him and rejoice with inexpressible and glorious joy, because you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

Because of those words, I can fall asleep tonight declaring….  Should I ever be abandoned… Should I ever be acclaimed… Should I ever be surrounded by the fire and the flame… There’s a name I can remember… There’s a name I can proclaim…..

Let it be JESUS!

Finding Easter

For me, Easter in the past ten years has always been a task that had a never ending to-do list.  The amount of planning that Easter typically requires of me is enough to push even the most talented of planners to the point of insanity.  This year has not been much different than any other.  The need for the Superwomen cape has been growing in full force over the past few weeks, and the pressures to succeed have slowly been building at a rapid pace.

However, life sometimes throws you curveballs.  And for me, life threw me several really big curveballs, three to be exact, all within 72 hours of each other.  All were totally unforeseen and all equally as painful.  My brain had just begun to grasp the first when the second came only to have the third hit right as the dust was beginning to settle.  There were a few days when I cringed every time my phone made a noise.

My normal “fix it” attitude began to kick in and I was already formulating a check list of things I could do to make things right in the world.  But God had other plans.  In the midst of hurt and confusion I felt this voice in my spirit telling me to pause, to wait and to trust.  Trust in the one who would never leave me.  Trust in the one who would never forsake me.  Trust in the one who bled and died that I might be healed.  I found myself clinging to the words of Isaiah 53:5….

But HE was pierced……

for my transgressions

HE was crushed……..

for my iniquities

the punishment that brought me peace…….

was on HIM

and by HIS wounds

I, someone who in that moment felt broken beyond repair

I am healed.

I took those words on a Monday morning to heart and I did what I very rarely do.  I paused.  I let the words sink in.  I threw the to-do list out the window and allowed God to speak.  As if pausing Monday wasn’t enough, I paused Tuesday as well.  Yes, there were task that needed to be completed and meetings to attend, but in my heart I paused.  I didn’t think about the big looming problem that needed to be fixed, I paused.  The pause went from Tuesday, to Wednesday and on into Thursday evening and our Maundy Thursday service.  For the first time in a long time I sat in a service and listened to the words that were being sung and the message being spoken and took it all in without thinking about the task ahead.  Friday arrived and the to-do list slowly snuck its way in, but only for a short while.  At a Good Friday service I did something I hadn’t done in a while, I contemplated the cross.  I thought about what Jesus did for me.  I reflected on the pain he endured so that I may be free.  So that in moments like this last week, my wounds would be healed.  I sat and listened as someone sang Kari Jobe’s What love is this and let the words pour into my aching soul.

You never change, you are the God you say you are;
When I'm afraid you calm and still my beating heart.
You stay the same, when hope is just a distant thought,
You take my pain, and you lead me to the cross

What love is this, that you gave your life for me
And made a way for me to know you
And I confess you're always enough for me you're all I need

I sat and listened and for the first time in a really long time I connected with Easter.  With all that had been done for me.  I understood that these trials, though they are hurting now, would be resolved and I would heal.  And one day, this would all make sense.  Yes, there is still much to be done, but tomorrow is Easter.  Tomorrow, after having looked back on the cross, I will rejoice in the risen Savor. 

What love is this that you gave your life for me and made a way for me to know you?

Lord, I confess, you’re always enough for me. 

You are all I need.