Cancer

Cancer – something evil and malignant that spreads destructively

Cancer is something that has been destructive in my life before. This is not the first time I have faced this evil. And when news arrived today that this evil could potentially once again become part of my everyday life the fear that took over almost suffocated me. In fact, I still feel like it might suffocate me. The last time these words hit close to home I lost one of the people I loved most in this world. My perfectly planned out day came to a screeching haul in a five minute phone call. I still haven't recovered. I feel numb. We are not even sure that is the battle we are facing and I am already going numb. The next three days of my life are sure to be some of the longest. One small vial of blood and three long days are going to determine if I will once again be staring down the one thing that scares me the most. I am not the one who is sick. It is not my body that will be attacked. In this case I almost wish it was. No, it is my mother. My mom who is 900 miles away. The one I can't hold right now and tell her it will be ok. I am the oldest child. It is my job to keep everything together. I have officially been deemed the one to change bandages and listen to the doctors and making sure meds are taken in moments when hospitals and doctors enter our lives. That's hard to do from 900 miles away.

Right now I am listening to worship songs saying praise the King and God is in control and my heart feels so far from that. Flash backs to the days leading up to Ricks death are flooding my thoughts and the tears are pouring. I don't want to go through that again. I am not one to jump the gun. When it comes to bad news from doctors I usually wait until it is confirmed. I am the optimistic one in the group. I have no problems believing that God is in control and that He will work all things together for his good. But cancer and my mom are two areas that I don't play and holding it together is far from reality right now.

Still, in the back of my mind is this ever so small voice say, "I am in control, I love you, I love her." I will choose to believe that voice! It will be hard and if cancer truly is the battle we are facing it will get even harder. I don't want to do this again. I know that God used Rick's death to change lives including my own. I also know that Ricks story and out come are not my moms.

"Fix our eyes on Jesus, the Author and perfecter of our faith…" Hebrews 12:2

If you are reading this, please keep my family in your prayers as we face the next couple of days and weeks!

April

***UPDATE*** The blog that you just read was written last week. Due to personal reasons and a few unknowns, it could not be published at the time it was written. I am excited to inform you that cancer is not the battle we face! Praise be to God and thanks to each of you who prayed my family through this time. Thanks for doing life with me.