Lost

I relate most of life to song lyrics. In fact, if I were totally honest, I would have chosen to be a writer if I had an ounce of that talent for it.  I truly envy people like Chris Tomlin, Matt Redman, Kristian Stanfill and Joel Houston.  I struggle to memorize scripture, but I can sing you every word of the latest Chris Tomlin CD.  As I write this the latest Christy Nockles song is currently set on repeat.  

Should I ever be abandoned Should I ever be acclaimed Should I ever be surrounded by the fire and the flame There's a name I will remember There's a name I will proclaim Let it be, let it be my Jesus!

It is on repeat not because I love the song, although I do very much love the song, it is on repeat because that is where I feel like I am in my life right now.  Abandoned….. Surrounded by fire and flame… Stuck in a place of pain and uncertainty.  I’m in a place of not knowing what is next so I have these lyrics to remind me that there is a name I can remember, there is a name I can proclaim…. That name is the most powerful name on earth.  It’s the name of Jesus!  And even in these moments of hurt and confusion and feeling utterly lost…. HE. IS. HERE. 

He has not left me.  He has not forsaken me.  He is not done writing my story.  Another set of lyrics that I love come from Genny Owen, “path is broken and the signs are unclear, and I don’t know the reason why you have brought me here.  But just because you love me the way you do, I’m gonna walk through the valley, if you want me to.”  I have heard that God will allow those he plans on using the most to go through the most.  I am not completely sure of his plan for me, but sometimes I feel a little overwhelmed with how much he trust me with.  At this moment I might even admit that sometimes I feel like giving up and giving in.  But God, in is goodness and his love for me brings another set of words to my mind and heart.  This time, they are his words. 

[1 Peter 1:6-8} You rejoice in this, though now for a short time you have had to struggle in various trials so that the genuineness of your faith—more valuable than gold, which perishes though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. You love Him, though you have not seen Him. And though not seeing Him now, you believe in Him and rejoice with inexpressible and glorious joy, because you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

Because of those words, I can fall asleep tonight declaring….  Should I ever be abandoned… Should I ever be acclaimed… Should I ever be surrounded by the fire and the flame… There’s a name I can remember… There’s a name I can proclaim…..

Let it be JESUS!

Finding Easter

For me, Easter in the past ten years has always been a task that had a never ending to-do list.  The amount of planning that Easter typically requires of me is enough to push even the most talented of planners to the point of insanity.  This year has not been much different than any other.  The need for the Superwomen cape has been growing in full force over the past few weeks, and the pressures to succeed have slowly been building at a rapid pace.

However, life sometimes throws you curveballs.  And for me, life threw me several really big curveballs, three to be exact, all within 72 hours of each other.  All were totally unforeseen and all equally as painful.  My brain had just begun to grasp the first when the second came only to have the third hit right as the dust was beginning to settle.  There were a few days when I cringed every time my phone made a noise.

My normal “fix it” attitude began to kick in and I was already formulating a check list of things I could do to make things right in the world.  But God had other plans.  In the midst of hurt and confusion I felt this voice in my spirit telling me to pause, to wait and to trust.  Trust in the one who would never leave me.  Trust in the one who would never forsake me.  Trust in the one who bled and died that I might be healed.  I found myself clinging to the words of Isaiah 53:5….

But HE was pierced……

for my transgressions

HE was crushed……..

for my iniquities

the punishment that brought me peace…….

was on HIM

and by HIS wounds

I, someone who in that moment felt broken beyond repair

I am healed.

I took those words on a Monday morning to heart and I did what I very rarely do.  I paused.  I let the words sink in.  I threw the to-do list out the window and allowed God to speak.  As if pausing Monday wasn’t enough, I paused Tuesday as well.  Yes, there were task that needed to be completed and meetings to attend, but in my heart I paused.  I didn’t think about the big looming problem that needed to be fixed, I paused.  The pause went from Tuesday, to Wednesday and on into Thursday evening and our Maundy Thursday service.  For the first time in a long time I sat in a service and listened to the words that were being sung and the message being spoken and took it all in without thinking about the task ahead.  Friday arrived and the to-do list slowly snuck its way in, but only for a short while.  At a Good Friday service I did something I hadn’t done in a while, I contemplated the cross.  I thought about what Jesus did for me.  I reflected on the pain he endured so that I may be free.  So that in moments like this last week, my wounds would be healed.  I sat and listened as someone sang Kari Jobe’s What love is this and let the words pour into my aching soul.

You never change, you are the God you say you are;
When I'm afraid you calm and still my beating heart.
You stay the same, when hope is just a distant thought,
You take my pain, and you lead me to the cross

What love is this, that you gave your life for me
And made a way for me to know you
And I confess you're always enough for me you're all I need

I sat and listened and for the first time in a really long time I connected with Easter.  With all that had been done for me.  I understood that these trials, though they are hurting now, would be resolved and I would heal.  And one day, this would all make sense.  Yes, there is still much to be done, but tomorrow is Easter.  Tomorrow, after having looked back on the cross, I will rejoice in the risen Savor. 

What love is this that you gave your life for me and made a way for me to know you?

Lord, I confess, you’re always enough for me. 

You are all I need.

Fighting for Joy…

January is typically my least favorite month of the year.  The holidays are over, everyone is back in a “normal” routine and the weather is cold and dreary.  For me, it is always filled with the emotions of what is next and did I really accomplish anything worthwhile last year.  A normal January for me will start off at Passion Conference with thousands of college students turning their lives upside down for the Gospel.  A few short days later, I am back to my routine and suffering from withdraws from my team and the high that comes from serving others.  Yes, serving others is a high for me.  It’s like a drug.  I enjoy it.  When the wheels are falling off during a conference, somewhere deep down inside I am as happy as a little clam.  But this year started off a little differently.  There was no conference, no euphoric state and no team to have withdraws from.  New Years Eve and New Years Day were great; in fact they were some of the best of my year so far.  It was the getting back into my routine shortly after that which caused the problem.

If I were completely honest, the past couple of weeks have been some of the hardest I have dealt with in a long time.  Being joyful is not really on the to-do list these days.  I will openly admit that I hate it every time my phone makes a noise.  I kind of feel like every phone call, email and text will have another reminder of how I am not enough or too much all at the same time.  You know that feeling; you can’t do anything right and everything you touch turns into ash faster than you can blink an eye?  That is where I have been for the past few weeks.  I have actually had several days where my phone has been turned off for hours and it was the most blissful few hours of my whole day.  The down side has been that I had to turn it back on and the moment that little fan thing stopped turning the reminders of my short comings started dinging away.    

I have spent most of the month clinging to verses like Matthew 11:28 “Come to Me, all of you who work and have heavy loads. I will give you rest” and 2 Corinthians 12:9 “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  But if the truth be known, I don’t really enjoy being burdened or weak.  Not that anyone does.  However, for some reason that is how I have started this year.  Burdened, weak, confused, frustrated, hurt and totally disheartened.  But as the weeks progress I am starting to see that the light at the end of the tunnel really isn’t a train and there might be hope yet.  It is in these moments of helplessness that I hear a gentle voice reminding me that He isn’t done with me yet and maybe there is something bigger going on that I just can’t see.  Even tonight as I was writing this I came across the words from Ephesians 6:12-13 “Our fight is not with people. It is against the leaders and the powers and the spirits of darkness in this world. It is against the demon world that works in the heavens. Because of this, put on all the things God gives you to fight with. Then you will be able to stand in that sinful day. When it is all over, you will still be standing.”  I love that last part.  When it is all over, you WILL still be standing.  There is no maybe.  It’s not a question.  It’s a declaration.  For me, it feels like a promise. 

I don’t really know what God is doing right now.  That is actually how I spend most of my life.  Not fully aware of what God is doing.  But I do know that he is at work in my life and the lives of those around me.  I also know that if I will allow myself to be open to HIS calling, He will use me to change lives for His glory.  But I have to trust Him in the process and I have to fight for joy.  Nehemiah 8:10 reminds us that “the Joy of the Lord is our strength.”  My strength comes not in surviving the unwanted text messages or the phone calls that tell me I am not enough.  My strength comes from finding joy in Him.  Because when I really get to the heart of it all, He is really all I need.  And His joy is my strength.  

April

I'm going to China!!!

Dear Friends and Family,

I am so excited to tell you about an upcoming adventure in my life.  Many of you know that missions is something that is very near and dear to my heart.  I have participated in and lead around a half dozen mission trips here in the US.  However, my heart’s desire has always been to serve an unreached people group overseas.  After many years of praying and lots of closed doors, God has finally opened the door for me to go and serve the people of East Asia. 

In October of this year, I will be traveling with my home church of Houston’s First Baptist with a group of 14 people to an undisclosed location in East Asia.  We will be working with the J People.  For security purposes, we are not told their full name or their location.  Most of the population is farmers, working with livestock and various crops.  Right now, there are believed to be between 20-30 believers in the 300,000 person population.  That is about .01%.  Currently, there are no Bible translations or even a written language of the J People.  A small team of people are currently working on translating ten Old Testament stories into the J People’s language. 

Last summer I had the privilege to lead a team of 150 missionaries as we went into one of the darkest place in our city.  Carrying the words of Isaiah 58:10 “If you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your life will rise in the darkness and your night will become like the noonday” we brought hope to the lives of many through hamburgers and craft projects.  This fall, I will get the privilege to once again bring hope.  I won’t speak their language and will spend more time traveling then in the city, but I know that God will use me to somehow be a blessing.

Why am I telling you all of this?  I know what it is like to play a small part in Gods great big story and I am asking all of you to join with me. 

·         First would be prayerfully.  It is not possible for us to go on this trip without a mighty group of prayer warriors praying for us from now until we land safely home.  Over the coming months I will be blogging about the trip.  Feel free to follow my story at http://tuesdaysatgringers.blogspot.com/.

·         The second way that you can join me is through financial support.  The total cost of the trip is $2,700.  I know that God is so much bigger than that number and that he works in the lives of others to accomplish great things.  If you are interested in donating to my trip simply go to http://houstonsfirst.org/connect/give/missions/trips-opportunities/mission-trips/. Once you have logged in or selected guest, simply select the East Asia trip and type in my name. 

·         Finally, I will need all the encouragement you have to offer.  This is a big step for me and I am excited to see what God has in store.

I am beyond blessed to have so many people in my life who are willing to come along side me on this journey.  The words to Christy Nockles song Sing Along are playing in my head as I write these words, “Let YOUR song rise and fill up the earth, let YOUR hope ring out, let YOUR heart be heard.”  There is no feeling in the world that compares to joy of knowing that your days have been spent proclaiming Jesus to a lost and dying world.  As I leave you, I wanted to share the story of one of our church members who has been on this trip before.  Please enjoy Rogers story and I look forward to having each of you along with me on this journey.  http://houstonsfirst.org/article/rogers-story/

Let HOPE rise!

April Pearson