Idol…

I am going through an amazing Bible study right now called "No other Gods," that talks about the things that become idols in our lives. This has proven to be one of the hardest, yet most rewarding studies I have ever done. God is opening up every corner of my life and showing me areas that are not truly His. This has been a painful process and today was no exception. The study started out with the story of the rich young ruler. As a child who grew up in church I have heard this story many times. And every time I hear it I think to myself that if giving up everything material I have is what is required to follow Jesus, than ok! Sounds easy enough for me. But that childhood story took on a whole new meaning today. The author took Jesus' words to the young ruler and phrased them just like this. "There's something you lack. You are missing treasure in heaven and you are unable to follow Me because something has a hold of you that is more important to you than Me."

I truly believe that was one of those moments when the words jumped off the page and the voice of God say, "Hey You! I am talking to you." I didn't even have to ask Him what He was talking about. I knew. In my heart I knew exactly what He was talking about. I also knew this day was coming. There is one area of my life that I have been trying so hard to hold on to. My fear is that if God takes this one thing that He can't possibly replace it with anything better. How could He take something that seems so perfect and make it better? But, if I were completely honest with myself I would have to admit that it is not as perfect as it seems. It has flaws and has caused pain. But I have chosen to ignore the pain because the idea of letting it go would cause a greater pain. Letting go has been in the back of my mind for a while now. I have just been determined to make it work. That was my plan. What is that old saying; if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans? My plan is no longer. And in its place is an empty spot. The great surgeon is doing some major open heart surgery right now and to be honest, it hurts.

There is hope though. There is hope because my God is a God of hope. And He has promised that He will never leave me. He sees the future and He knows that there will be joy again. I am always amazed at how God will teach me one of His characteristics right before I will need to lean into it. The last couple of days He has shown me over and over again that He is my Redeemer. He was teaching me that so that I could face the lesson I would learn today. The song that is currently playing in the background says it all.

"I know my Redeemer lives. I know my Redeemer lives. All of creation testifies, this life inside me cries, I know my Redeemer lives!"

Praying through the process!

April

Uprooting…

I recently began reading the book "A Bitter and Sweet Providence" by John Piper. It talks about the lives of Ruth, Naomi and Boaz. In the section I am reading today it was talking specifically about Naomi and how she was focused on the bitter providence and was totally missing the sweet. The sentence that jumped out at me was "In the darkest of our times, God is plotting for our glory." Right now feels like a dark time in my life. So much upheaval and so much change has brought me to my knees more times that I can count. Being the Christian dummy that I am, I actually try and stand from time to time when God really wants me to stay on my knees. There have also been some pretty sweet moments as well. Moments when I look back and realize that the only way I made it through was because I have a Savior who loves me more than my mind can fathom. In the back of my mind I am constantly hearing, don't give up, I am not done with you yet. I honestly have no idea what God is trying to accomplish right now.

I have a mental image of someone trying to pull a bush out of the ground that has some very deep roots. There is one part of my life right now that I think that pertains to and I am fighting hard against it. God is pulling hard trying to get rid of this old lifeless part of my life, but the roots are deep and the harder He pulls the more I resist. In my very limited experience with gardening I remember trying to uproot plants that had deep roots. You would pull and dig and use any sharp object to cut through the roots, thinking that you were finally done only to realize that a bigger root was still attached and hidden much deeper. In these painful moments of God taking away He is softly reminding me that what He is going to plant in return will be so much more beautiful. Who better to plant something new than the author of creation, right? Still, there is a part of me that wants to hang on to what is safe and known. There is a part of me that doesn't trust that God really does know what is better.

It is in those moments that I am reminded on Naomi. She thought she had lost it all. She was so devastated she even changed her own name. What she says in Ruth 1:20-21 "Do not call me Naomi; call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. I went away full and the Lord has brought me back empty." But what I get caught up on is the fact that Naomi has Ruth standing by her side while she is saying all of this. I don't want to ever lose sight of the good God is doing in my life because I can't see past the bad. I know that God has a reason for this season in my life. I also know that He is plotting for my glory. My prayer for my life is that I get out of my own way and I allow God to do with me what I can't.

April

Focus Shift

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Cancer

Cancer – something evil and malignant that spreads destructively

Cancer is something that has been destructive in my life before. This is not the first time I have faced this evil. And when news arrived today that this evil could potentially once again become part of my everyday life the fear that took over almost suffocated me. In fact, I still feel like it might suffocate me. The last time these words hit close to home I lost one of the people I loved most in this world. My perfectly planned out day came to a screeching haul in a five minute phone call. I still haven't recovered. I feel numb. We are not even sure that is the battle we are facing and I am already going numb. The next three days of my life are sure to be some of the longest. One small vial of blood and three long days are going to determine if I will once again be staring down the one thing that scares me the most. I am not the one who is sick. It is not my body that will be attacked. In this case I almost wish it was. No, it is my mother. My mom who is 900 miles away. The one I can't hold right now and tell her it will be ok. I am the oldest child. It is my job to keep everything together. I have officially been deemed the one to change bandages and listen to the doctors and making sure meds are taken in moments when hospitals and doctors enter our lives. That's hard to do from 900 miles away.

Right now I am listening to worship songs saying praise the King and God is in control and my heart feels so far from that. Flash backs to the days leading up to Ricks death are flooding my thoughts and the tears are pouring. I don't want to go through that again. I am not one to jump the gun. When it comes to bad news from doctors I usually wait until it is confirmed. I am the optimistic one in the group. I have no problems believing that God is in control and that He will work all things together for his good. But cancer and my mom are two areas that I don't play and holding it together is far from reality right now.

Still, in the back of my mind is this ever so small voice say, "I am in control, I love you, I love her." I will choose to believe that voice! It will be hard and if cancer truly is the battle we are facing it will get even harder. I don't want to do this again. I know that God used Rick's death to change lives including my own. I also know that Ricks story and out come are not my moms.

"Fix our eyes on Jesus, the Author and perfecter of our faith…" Hebrews 12:2

If you are reading this, please keep my family in your prayers as we face the next couple of days and weeks!

April

***UPDATE*** The blog that you just read was written last week. Due to personal reasons and a few unknowns, it could not be published at the time it was written. I am excited to inform you that cancer is not the battle we face! Praise be to God and thanks to each of you who prayed my family through this time. Thanks for doing life with me.