Chosen

I think if you were to put every single woman in the world together in one room and ask us what we wanted most we would be pretty unanimous.  There would be a few that would argue they wanted to be successful and accomplished while others may say they want to be famous, but the vast majority of us would say our true heart’s desire is to chosen.  We all want that one person who is willing to stand up in front of a crowd and say, “That’s the girl I want, I chose her!”   It’s the reason that we spend money on movies like Pretty Women.  No matter how many times you watch it, you are still hoping the Richard Gere will conquer his fear of heights and climb up your fire escape to profess his undying love.  Yes, I know he is a little old for most of us, but you get the idea!  If we can really be honest it is the one part of the Holiday season that none of us are looking forward to.  The two things we dread the most are the “& Guest” on an invitation and the infamous “So are you seeing anyone” that is sure to come at EVERY family function.  I personally hate both of those things!  The & Guest means I have to either go alone or see which guy friend I can sweet talk into doing something he hates, which ultimately ends in a barter that will include me attending some movie where things blow up and get really bloody. But the real reason I hate it is because in the back of my mind I hear that little voice reminding me that I still have not been chosen. 

The “so are you seeing anyone” has always been my least favorite.  Well actually, it’s the “oh” that comes after that I hate, which is usually followed by either someone trying to set me up with some else’s son or the reminder that I am not getting any younger.  We all love to hear that, just FYI.  I have to remind myself that the person making these comments is trying to be nice and has my best interest at heart, I think, when they say these things.  They really have no idea that what they have just done has reminded me once again that no one has yet to choose me.  It seems like the older we get, the harder this topic gets.  There are only so many times you can hear “You’re so amazing, why are you single” before you want to start strangling people.  I realize that I am not alone in these thoughts.  I am surround every week by amazing and beautiful women who have the same thoughts that I have.  At the heart of every woman, believer in Christ or not, we all long to be chosen.  We are woman and that is the way God designed us. 

The past couple of months I have really struggled with this.  If I could be really honest for a second, I will admit that many tears have been shed over this very issue.  Tonight however, I was told that I was chosen!  It’s been a rough day.  It’s actually been a really up and down past couple of days.  And the battle to be chosen has been a full on war in my heart and heart.  I am usually pretty unwavering in my beliefs and convictions, and this week, there was a part of me that wanted to throw it all out the window.  Don’t’ worry, I didn’t.  And the tonight  I came across this quote: “If Jesus gives us a task or assigns us to a difficult season, every ounce of our experience is meant for our instruction and completion if only we'll let Him finish the work. I fear, however, that we are so attention-deficit that we settle for bearable when beauty is just around the corner.” ― Beth Moore

It was the last sentence that got me “we are so attention-deficit that we settle for bearable when beauty is just around the corner.”  The phrase stopped me in my tracks.  Am I really letting the opinions of others and the influence of culture get to me so much that I would settle for bearable when beauty is around the corner?  I know that I am a loved daughter of the King and that I was created to make much of Him, but do I have to do it alone for the rest of my life God?  That is the question that has weighed heavy on my heart.  I love being single, don’t get me wrong.  I wouldn’t trade the past couple of years of my single life for anything in this world.  God has used me in such amazing ways and I know that could not have happened if I was married.  But, I am still a girl.  And my desire to be chosen still exists. 

“You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit-fruit that will last.  Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.” [John 15:16]  That’s Jesus talking to us ladies.  He chose us!  He chose me and He chose you!  Those words were said with me in mind.  That is the creator of the universe saying that He chose me long before I was even a thought in my parents mind.  What a powerful thought to rest in!  Now, I am not saying that made my longing to be chosen by the one I was created for has gone away.  But, it did give me a little perspective.  If God, who knew me before I was born and knit me together in my mother womb chose me, why would I settle for anything less than who He chose for me?  You are beautiful my friends and you are chosen by the God who created the universe.  So let’s tackle the Holiday season this year knowing that we are already chosen! 

April

Being Known

I absolutely love moments in life when you finally realize something that God has been trying to show you for months.  The joy, and in my case laughter, that comes when the blinders come off.  For me that moment was just a few minutes ago.  The move to Houston has been one of the hardest things I have ever done.  There have been so many ups and downs and lately I think the downs have far outnumbered the ups.  Everything familiar is gone.  I feel like every part of who I was in the last 32 years is gone and I am learning a whole new person.  It has been hard and so very frustrating.  I have gotten angry with God and we have had words!  But like a loving father, he allowed my temper tantrum and then said, “Are you done?” As soon as I would reply with a “yes” he would once again begin moving things around in my life.  I remember not so long ago telling a friend of mine that all I wanted was one good day.  Well, if I were being honest they haven’t all been bad days.  In fact, most of my life here in Houston has been amazing.  God has put incredible people in my path who have loved me and stood beside me through thick and thin.  It just seems that the bad days have been really bad. 

So, this morning as I was doing my devotional a revelation hit me like a ton of bricks.  I have been wondering for months, and several people have even asked me, why it is that I feel so much more at home here in Houston than I ever did in my real home Atlanta.  I am a city girl my nature so I have wondered if maybe that has something to do with it.  I realized today that is not it.  When I moved to Houston I knew one person.  That person knew who I was and some of my background and all the things I had accomplished in Atlanta, but no one else did.  My immediate reaction when I moved was to get plugged in, volunteer and do what I had always done.  That was not God’s plan for me.  God has called me into a season of “being” and can I just tell you that is the hardest thing in the world for me.  I totally understand why Martha got mad at Mary!  I would have been cheering her on if I was there.  The reason I am not good at being is because I am not really sure who I am when I am holding still.  If I am planning an event or in a production booth I know who I am and what my task is.  I also know that I am in control and that I am good at what I do.  I can’t help but laugh right now.  I have been neither of those people since I moved.  I am not an event planner or a video director right now.  And that has had my world upside down.  God has closed door after door to both of those things in the last couple of months.

I have always wondered who I would be if my talents and titles were ever taken away?  Would people still like me?  Would God still be able to use me?  God gave me the answer today.  Yes!  The relationships I have now are so strong and despite all the adversity I am still flourishing.  God is using me to make a difference and I am not an event planner or a video director.  He moved me 900 miles away from everything I knew and took away everything that I was good at to show me that people will love me for me and he can use me even in the most acquired of situations.  I have authentic community with amazing people and most of them have no idea what I am really good at.  They don’t know April the in control planner/director.  They know April.  That alone is worth every once of pain that I have been through in the last couple of months! 

April

Idol…

I am going through an amazing Bible study right now called "No other Gods," that talks about the things that become idols in our lives. This has proven to be one of the hardest, yet most rewarding studies I have ever done. God is opening up every corner of my life and showing me areas that are not truly His. This has been a painful process and today was no exception. The study started out with the story of the rich young ruler. As a child who grew up in church I have heard this story many times. And every time I hear it I think to myself that if giving up everything material I have is what is required to follow Jesus, than ok! Sounds easy enough for me. But that childhood story took on a whole new meaning today. The author took Jesus' words to the young ruler and phrased them just like this. "There's something you lack. You are missing treasure in heaven and you are unable to follow Me because something has a hold of you that is more important to you than Me."

I truly believe that was one of those moments when the words jumped off the page and the voice of God say, "Hey You! I am talking to you." I didn't even have to ask Him what He was talking about. I knew. In my heart I knew exactly what He was talking about. I also knew this day was coming. There is one area of my life that I have been trying so hard to hold on to. My fear is that if God takes this one thing that He can't possibly replace it with anything better. How could He take something that seems so perfect and make it better? But, if I were completely honest with myself I would have to admit that it is not as perfect as it seems. It has flaws and has caused pain. But I have chosen to ignore the pain because the idea of letting it go would cause a greater pain. Letting go has been in the back of my mind for a while now. I have just been determined to make it work. That was my plan. What is that old saying; if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans? My plan is no longer. And in its place is an empty spot. The great surgeon is doing some major open heart surgery right now and to be honest, it hurts.

There is hope though. There is hope because my God is a God of hope. And He has promised that He will never leave me. He sees the future and He knows that there will be joy again. I am always amazed at how God will teach me one of His characteristics right before I will need to lean into it. The last couple of days He has shown me over and over again that He is my Redeemer. He was teaching me that so that I could face the lesson I would learn today. The song that is currently playing in the background says it all.

"I know my Redeemer lives. I know my Redeemer lives. All of creation testifies, this life inside me cries, I know my Redeemer lives!"

Praying through the process!

April

Uprooting…

I recently began reading the book "A Bitter and Sweet Providence" by John Piper. It talks about the lives of Ruth, Naomi and Boaz. In the section I am reading today it was talking specifically about Naomi and how she was focused on the bitter providence and was totally missing the sweet. The sentence that jumped out at me was "In the darkest of our times, God is plotting for our glory." Right now feels like a dark time in my life. So much upheaval and so much change has brought me to my knees more times that I can count. Being the Christian dummy that I am, I actually try and stand from time to time when God really wants me to stay on my knees. There have also been some pretty sweet moments as well. Moments when I look back and realize that the only way I made it through was because I have a Savior who loves me more than my mind can fathom. In the back of my mind I am constantly hearing, don't give up, I am not done with you yet. I honestly have no idea what God is trying to accomplish right now.

I have a mental image of someone trying to pull a bush out of the ground that has some very deep roots. There is one part of my life right now that I think that pertains to and I am fighting hard against it. God is pulling hard trying to get rid of this old lifeless part of my life, but the roots are deep and the harder He pulls the more I resist. In my very limited experience with gardening I remember trying to uproot plants that had deep roots. You would pull and dig and use any sharp object to cut through the roots, thinking that you were finally done only to realize that a bigger root was still attached and hidden much deeper. In these painful moments of God taking away He is softly reminding me that what He is going to plant in return will be so much more beautiful. Who better to plant something new than the author of creation, right? Still, there is a part of me that wants to hang on to what is safe and known. There is a part of me that doesn't trust that God really does know what is better.

It is in those moments that I am reminded on Naomi. She thought she had lost it all. She was so devastated she even changed her own name. What she says in Ruth 1:20-21 "Do not call me Naomi; call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. I went away full and the Lord has brought me back empty." But what I get caught up on is the fact that Naomi has Ruth standing by her side while she is saying all of this. I don't want to ever lose sight of the good God is doing in my life because I can't see past the bad. I know that God has a reason for this season in my life. I also know that He is plotting for my glory. My prayer for my life is that I get out of my own way and I allow God to do with me what I can't.

April

Focus Shift

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Cancer

Cancer – something evil and malignant that spreads destructively

Cancer is something that has been destructive in my life before. This is not the first time I have faced this evil. And when news arrived today that this evil could potentially once again become part of my everyday life the fear that took over almost suffocated me. In fact, I still feel like it might suffocate me. The last time these words hit close to home I lost one of the people I loved most in this world. My perfectly planned out day came to a screeching haul in a five minute phone call. I still haven't recovered. I feel numb. We are not even sure that is the battle we are facing and I am already going numb. The next three days of my life are sure to be some of the longest. One small vial of blood and three long days are going to determine if I will once again be staring down the one thing that scares me the most. I am not the one who is sick. It is not my body that will be attacked. In this case I almost wish it was. No, it is my mother. My mom who is 900 miles away. The one I can't hold right now and tell her it will be ok. I am the oldest child. It is my job to keep everything together. I have officially been deemed the one to change bandages and listen to the doctors and making sure meds are taken in moments when hospitals and doctors enter our lives. That's hard to do from 900 miles away.

Right now I am listening to worship songs saying praise the King and God is in control and my heart feels so far from that. Flash backs to the days leading up to Ricks death are flooding my thoughts and the tears are pouring. I don't want to go through that again. I am not one to jump the gun. When it comes to bad news from doctors I usually wait until it is confirmed. I am the optimistic one in the group. I have no problems believing that God is in control and that He will work all things together for his good. But cancer and my mom are two areas that I don't play and holding it together is far from reality right now.

Still, in the back of my mind is this ever so small voice say, "I am in control, I love you, I love her." I will choose to believe that voice! It will be hard and if cancer truly is the battle we are facing it will get even harder. I don't want to do this again. I know that God used Rick's death to change lives including my own. I also know that Ricks story and out come are not my moms.

"Fix our eyes on Jesus, the Author and perfecter of our faith…" Hebrews 12:2

If you are reading this, please keep my family in your prayers as we face the next couple of days and weeks!

April

***UPDATE*** The blog that you just read was written last week. Due to personal reasons and a few unknowns, it could not be published at the time it was written. I am excited to inform you that cancer is not the battle we face! Praise be to God and thanks to each of you who prayed my family through this time. Thanks for doing life with me.

Surrender, Breathing Again and Joy

For those of you who do not know, the last week of my life has been one of the hardest week's I have had in a very long time. It was one of those weeks when everything that could go wrong did go wrong. I literally dealt with disappointment after disappointment. Early on in the week I was having a conversation with a friend of mine who simply asked me what was it that I wanted to do with my life. I couldn't answer. For the first time in a long time I didn't have a clue. I had begun to feel defeated and like my life was losing purpose. This is one of the things that I fear the most. That simple question sent my whole week into a tail spin that ended with me opening up my hands as tears poured down my face and me saying, "God I give up!" In that moment I whole heartedly surrendered and admitted to my Savior that I needed Him to be exactly that, a Savior. The tears didn't end there. I forced myself off the couch and headed to Summer Bible study at my church. I came in late and sat in the back hoping no one would notice I was there because I knew one compassionate look and the waterworks were coming on strong. A sweet friend of mine sat next to me in the back and as the band sang "Oh my God, He will not delay my refuge and strength, always" my hands went up in surrender and the tears just flowed. I couldn't get the words of the song out because of the tears, but in my heart I was singing. My sweet MJ put her hand on my shoulder and the tears flowed even more. I knew that no matter what happen next that my God would be my refuge and strength always. I always knew that I was not alone. God had put some amazing people in my life who were going to walk though this with me.

The next afternoon while sitting at lunch with my small group girls, one of them gave me the name and number of a production company to call about doing some contract labor. I am an event planner, it's what I have always done. But, my heart has always come alive when I have been in a control room or had a camera in my hands. I am by no means the greatest, but man do I love it! So, I gave the production company a call to see if they needed any contract camera operators. I smile as I think about that conversation. God took control of that conversation. All I remember is that they started asking about my experience and we started talking about lighting and camera angles and video editing and for the first time in a very long time I felt like I could breathe again. I was reminded about a conversation that I had with my amazing friend Emily Davis several months back when she had asked me why I wasn't pursuing my passion as a career. I told her that I was an event planner. In her sweet voice she said, "Yes I know and you are very good at it, you planned my wedding remember." I knew it was coming, "but April, why aren't you doing what you were created to do?" Me being me, I argued with her. But that conversation has always been in the back of my head. The entire time I was on the phone that conversation was in the back of my head. By the time I hung up the phone I had an interview planned for Tuesday (today) and there were two things I was certain of. First, I finally knew the path and direction I was supposed to go and second, Emily was really going to enjoy hear "You were right."

Well, Emily did enjoy hearing she was right. She always does. I love you Em! And, my meeting today went great! We are still trying to work out the moving pieces, but there is direction and for the first time in a long time, there is joy. I know that God knew this day was coming, but I had to get through the bad days first. I don't know what the future looks like. Things could fall apart just as quickly as the came together. But I know that no matter what my God is my Savior and joy comes in the morning. I hope that this in some way encourages someone else. God is good in the bad days and the good. I will keep you posted on the new career!

April

Who I am

I don't have the wisdom of Solomon. I am not good at sitting at Jesus' feet like Mary. I have never walked on water like Peter and I don't know that I could praise you in chains like Paul. If I were put in Esther's position, Israel might have had a much different outcome. If you had asked me to take on Goliath I would have tried, but just to prove to everyone I could and I am sure my pride would have turned that into a major fail! I feel like I fail way more then I win and yet somehow, I still feel like you can use this mess of a life for your glory. You are the God who created billions of stars and know the number of grains of sand, yet you love me like a father and you hold my life in your hands. These present trials and struggles don't escape your eye. You saw this day long before I was born. And somehow, in this valley, I hear you whisper, "I choose you, I love you." You love me for me and in spite of me. You know my flaws and failures and yet, you still choose me. In my own strength nothing I will ever do will be good enough, but through You and in You, I can do anything You will me to do! So in this moment, I sit here with my hands open and say to You I surrender my life, my all to You and Your will. I may not be Ruth and the Proverbs 31 women may be out of my reach, but I know my life is Yours and that You will do with it what you like.

April

Sometimes

It is no secret that things for me are a little up side down and I am not sure what the future holds. I have peace that God is in control. However, I don't know the plan and that part I don't enjoy very much. God knows that, I have told him many times. Nothing in my life seems to be making sense to me and all the beautiful dreams I had are slowly fading away. I have hope that the next stage of my life will be amazing, but I have to get through this valley first. Music has always been my outlet. For me it is how I relate to the world. It is also one way that God uses to speak to me and in many cases how I speak back. David Crowder Band recently wrote a song that sums up my life right now. I hope you enjoy!

Sometimes every one of us feels
Like we'll never be healed
Sometimes
Sometimes every one of us aches
Like we'll never be saved
Sometimes

When we've given up
Let Your healing come
When there's nothing left
Let Your healing come
'Til we're rising up
Let Your healing come
Where You go, we will follow
Where You go, we will follow

It's Your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore
We're lost in You, we're lost in You
It's Your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore
We're lost in You, we're lost in You
Sometimes

Sometimes
It's like we'll never atone
For all the love we've known
Sometimes
Like in a smile or a song
When you feel it come
And that feeling's gone
It flies

When we've given up
Let Your healing come
When there's nothing left
Let Your healing come
Feel it rising up
Let Your healing come
Where You go, we will follow
Where You go, we will follow

It's Your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore
We're lost in You
We're lost in You
It's Your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore
We're lost in You
We're lost in You
It's Your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore
Don't be afraid
Don't be afraid
Just set your sail

And risk the ocean there's only grace
Let's risk the ocean there's only grace
Let's risk the ocean there's only grace
Let's risk the ocean there's only grace

Grace

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. [Romans 8:1-2]

Condemnation seems to be in the forefront of my life right now. I feel like every step I take there is a reminder of my past and all the things I have done wrong. Areas of my life that I have always struggled with that I have given control over to God are now coming up in the faint reminders of who I was and what I have done. I was reminded a few nights ago by my very sweet friend Amy of just how much God loves me and how grace really works. The road for me right now is pretty rocky and there is a lot of uncertainty ahead. I was confessing to Amy that several other people had mentioned that I needed to ask for help and my response was, but that is for people who need it. Amy, in her loving way reached over, put her hand on mine and said, "April, you need to learn how to let God take care of you." I felt like I had been hit with a ton of brinks. God has taken care of me! Time and time again, but for some reason I was struggling with feelings of unworthiness and in the battle I thought, I got myself into this and I am going to have to get myself out. I remember thinking that I hadn't done anything to deserve to be rescued.

I was very quickly reminded in the moment of what grace truly looks like. I reminded of a man who hung on a cross for me! For moments jut like this one. Grace! My God is a God of grace. Through Jesus Christ, the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. Christ set me free so that in moments like this one I can say in my darkest moment, God came to my rescue. This realization has not changed my circumstances. In fact, they are still pretty tough and I don't know what tomorrow holds. But I do know that if I allow Him, God will change my heart in these tough times. In the 48 hours since that conversation I have already seen God come through for me in amazing ways. He is providing. He loves me. He is all I need!

April

Silver

I once heard a story about the refining process of silver. In order for the silversmith to truly refine the silver he had to put it into the hottest part of the coals so that all the impurities would surface. The silver is only ready to be poured and formed when all the impurities are gone and the silversmith can see his own image when he looks at the silver. Some day's I can relate to how the silver feels. I am reminded on a Passage in Isaiah 48:10-11 "See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction. For my own sake, for my own sake, I do this. How can I let myself be defamed? I will not yield my glory to another." My hearts desire is to be like that purest form of silver, so that when my maker looks at me He sees His reflection. But, there are days when the coals feel too hot and I long for a break

.

God is doing something in my life that I can't seem to figure out. Since my move to Houston there have been many ups and downs. I have no doubt that this is where God has called me to be. Houston is my home and I love it here. But somehow, I feel like I am missing something. I recently resigned from my job. I strongly disliked my job and knew that it wasn't where God wanted me, but knew I should have a backup plan before I left. That was not God's plan. People have asked how I am doing and I respond with, "I am fine and God is in control." I believe that. I really do. 

But, Sunday morning I found myself in the arms of two amazing friends who held me as tears streamed down uncontrollably. I think the only words I could get out were that I was scared. I know that I will be fine and that God is in control. But I have been here before and I didn't like it the last time. "See, I have refined you, thought not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction. For my own sake, for my own sake, I do this." Taking my own life one day at a time is hard for me. I am a planner by nature and profession. I like having a plan. God is not telling me the plan for my life right now, at least not the long term plans. I seem to be getting things one day at a time. I don't do well with one day at a time. So, at this moment I am torn between my hearts desire to live a life that really matters and having a well laid out plan. I know there is a well laid out plan for my life; I just wish I was included in the planning process. But, then again, I am pretty sure my human brain could not begin to comprehend all that He will do if I am willing to trust Him one day and one step at a time. So my declaration for today…

 

YES LORD,

walking in the way of your truth,
   I wait for YOU;
for YOUR name and renown
   is the desire of my heart!

 

 

 

 

Perfect Love drives out fear!

1 John 4:18

There is no fear in love. But perfect
love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

If you were to ask most of the people who know me well, fearful would not be a word they would use to describe me. In fact, recently I was told that I am brave and courageous. I don't feel that way. Brave is not where I am right now. I feel so far from brave at this moment that I am not even sure what it look likes. At this moment I feel like I have taken my eyes off the cross of Jesus and fear has planted itself deep in my heart. So deep that there are moments when I feel as if I can't really breathe. It is affecting my life; it is affecting my friendships.

I had an amazing revelation today at the dog park of all places. For those of you who know and love Maddie the wonder dog, you know that she has her moments. Today was no exception. When she was close to me at the park all was fine in her world. She felt protected and safe and acted like a normal dog. However, once or twice I got out of her sight range and she cowered and even became a little aggressive. She wasn't sure where to go, how to act, or what to do. During one of those moments I felt like God hit me on the back of the head and said, "That is what you are like when you get too far from me!"

I realized that as long as I am staying close to my creator that I feel the freedom to be who I am designed to be. There is a sense of peace in my heart that all is right in my world. Even in the midst of total chaos I don't have to worry because I know that he will protect me. Just like Maddie knew that she didn't have to worry about the bigger dogs when mom was around, I know that my Heavenly Father will take care of all that life throws at me. His perfect love towards me drives out all of my fears.

Waiting is not waisting….

Waiting is seriously the hardest thing in the world for me to do! I am not good at it. It doesn't matter if it is a response to an email, text, phone call or just an answer in general, I hate waiting! And with the recent addition to my life in the form of a crackberry, I have gotten even worse. I  have spent hours waiting for that little red light to blink to tell me I have a response. In my line of work when someone needs an answer, they need it now. Tulle and flowers are a big deal people!

But, I am pretty sure my lesson over the past couple of months has been, wait on me, trust me, I am in control. For anyone who has known me longer than 5 seconds you know that none of those am I very good at. But somehow, in this season of my life God is teaching me to wait on him. Sometimes it is on the small things, but others it is on bigger things. I mentioned before that I recently moved to Houston. That was a very long series of questions all to which the answers came after prayer and waiting.

One of my favorite speakers recently said, "Waiting is not wasting when you are waiting on God. Waiting is God working." This was a hard pill for me to swallow. I am by nature a doer. I am not good at sitting around and waiting on anything. If you take more then 5 minutes to respond to a text message I am going to be annoyed at you! I am pretty sure God laughs at me about this. If I was honest I would have to admit that sometimes, I laugh at me about this.

But, for whatever reason God has called me into a season of waiting. The cool part is that in the waiting process I am learning to lean into Him. I am actually finding myself trusting Him more and asking His thoughts. Right now there are certain areas of my life where I would really love some answers. Wait! That is the answer that I keep getting. The good news is that God has brought me this far and I am pretty sure He can blow my mind if I allow him to be God in my life.

Why Tuesday's at Grinder

Someone once asked me if I were going to write a book about my life, what would I title it and why? I answered Tuesday's at Grinder's.

My life has been one, like most peoples, of many ups and downs. Some days were good; some were bad, but most seemed to be unimportant. I went about my life doing my own thing. Although I was raised with a strong set of Christian values, my life in the winter of 2002 was all about me. Then, one Sunday morning God brought someone into my life that would forever change the way I viewed church, God, relationships, worship and ultimately every aspect of life. His name was Rick Pearson. Yes, we have the same last name. No, we are not sure if we were related. His sisters and I like to think so. Rick and I always said one day we would figure it out, but we were always distracted and never got around to looking into our family heritage.

Rick was handsome - correction - Rick was hot! And he knew it. Rick had a voice that could make grown men cry. And if his singing didn't make them cry, his being better than everyone at everything would bring even the strongest of men to tears. He was the total package. Rick had the kind of talent at the age of 21 that most people spend their entire lives trying to attain. The one word I would use to describe him was favored! He loved life, but he loved Jesus more. Rick loved Jesus with every pore of his being. He was handsome, funny, smart, could fix anything and... He was one of my closest friends!

So, Rick walked into the Mountain Lake cafatorium that Sunday morning and straight into my heart, which he would forever change. At the time, I was the media team leader and my job consisted of making sure all things media ran on Sunday mornings. When Rick sang that first note of Famous One that first Sunday morning, I am pretty sure every female in the room either sighed or hid behind a bush (sorry friend, couldn't resist). Five minutes later he was spitting spit balls and playing practical jokes and we were instantly lifelong friends.

Rick was quickly offered a job as our full time worship leader. We became an instant worship planning team. We had a routine. Every Tuesday I would meet Rick at the church office, we would make out our to-do list and then head out on a mission to plan the most creative worship services MLC had ever seen. Most days involved a trip to either Target, Pottery Barn, or Pier 1; Rick was my favorite shopping buddy! Every Tuesday also involved a trip to our favorite spot CT Grinder's. Started by some of our church members, Grinder's was where many MLC'ers could meet and grab coffee or bring out an acoustic for a little jam session.

It was inside those walls where Rick taught me about a life that was not my own. We laughed, cried, and even argued a few times in that small coffee shop. Rick and I would pray for our church and our pastors. I remember praying so hard that our new believers would come to know what worship was all about, and then watching through tears of joy months later as we saw this come to fruition. I remember telling Rick some of my frustrations with life and him telling me that I needed to become involved in a community of believers. I argued with him because that meant opening myself up to hurt and pain and I did not like that idea at all! If you know Rick, you know you don't win arguments easily. That was one I was so very glad I lost. Several weeks later I found myself in my first small group and some of those people have helped to make me who I am today.

Rick also taught me about forgiveness. This lesson was the hardest to learn. I remember Rick saying to me once, "April, you have been forgiven too many times not to forgive those who hurt you. And that includes yourself." I think in some ways Rick knew I would need to know how to forgive because the hardest journey was going to come when at the age of 23, God took my precious friend home to be with Him. Learning to forgive was the hardest lesson I think I have ever learned, but also the most freeing.

I could go on for days with stories and lessons that my sweet friend taught me in that small coffee shop, but I think I would rather pause here. I have said all of that to say this: Tuesday's at Grinder's was a series of moments that forever impacted my life. Rick took time out of his life to invest in mine. Now as I begin this next chapter of my life, my prayer is that my journey may impact someone the way Rick's journey impacted me. Let the journey begin!

April