The greatest of all romance

with arms held high Lord I give my life

knowing I’m found in Christ in your love forever

with all I am in your grace I stand

the greatest of all romance…. love of God my Savior

I still remember the first time I heard the words above.  It was one of those Sundays where you are there, but not really.  You know the ones I’m talking about.  The Sundays where your body is there but your heart and mind are a million miles away.  Yeah, that’s the one.  I was going through the motions that particular Sunday because deep down inside I knew that pain and heartbreak were right around the corner for me and I knew that it was going to be Gods fault and we were getting ready for a battle.  My very presence in church that Sunday was almost a plea for Him not to do what I knew He was going to do. 

But before we go there, maybe I should back up a little bit.  You see, fifteen years ago my heart was broken.  A man I thought I loved walked out on me and I’m talking ripped my heart out of my chest and stopped on it while heading out the door.  I remember being so hurt that I didn’t know how to breathe and then going numb.  And then I stayed numb.  For almost fifteen years.  Don’t get me wrong, there were other men that came along but I knew in the end they would walk away, so I helped that process by sabotaging before they got a chance to hurt me.   But during that time God began to work in my life and slowly heal the hurt.  I began to forgive and put the pieces of my broken heart back together.  During that time, God brought along an amazing friend that would not only love me through the hurt and pain, but love me well.  No matter how hard I would push, he would push back with love.  But one beautiful summer afternoon he was diagnosed with leukemia and too soon after that he was gone.  And my heart was once again broken.  I spent the next year of my life going through the motions until one September afternoon, God and I had a come to Jesus moment on a park bench in New York and I finally agreed to let Him begin healing my heart if He would restore my joy.  Being the faithful father that He is, He held up His end of the bargain, and slowly the pieces of my heart came back together.  And this time it would beat a little stronger because someone had shown me what it was like to truly love.

So let’s fast forward to the Sunday not too long ago.  I had started seeing someone and was slowly beginning to open up my heart once again.  He was charming and funny and seemed to be all the things I had always prayed for.  He wasn’t perfect, but then who is.  He understood my ugly parts and I his, well for the most part.  At first, everything was great.  But then things started to come up.  Things that caused me to internally question while externally I was telling all of my girlfriends how sweet and wonderful and amazing he was.  The more into the relationship we got the more problems that seemed to surface and although my mouth was a long way from admitting it, in my heart I knew that the end was drawing near.  I knew the fun times of double dates and finally being invited to all the couples events was about to end.  I also knew that I was about to go back to RSVP’ing for just one.  Ladies, can you feel my pain! The fairy tale that I was trying so hard to force into existence was becoming the chick flick that doesn’t end the way we want it to. 

One this particular Sunday morning, I remember walking into church with my closes friend and her soon to be husband, who, on a side note, is so close to couple perfection you don’t know if you want to hug them or punch them, so I just love them in spite of their annoying perfection! I remember looking at them and thinking how nice it would be to have that one day.  That train of thought led me to “you’re dating someone, you should be happy.”  But to be honest, in the moment I was far from happy.  In my heart I began to get angry with God.  And in the moment I started to tell Him that I was angry.  I admited that I felt let down and wondered why He would bring someone into my life that I seemed to have so much in common but yet there were the blatant red flags that were getting bigger and bigger as each day progressed.  About the time we hit the chorus, my pouting hit an all-time low and my heart said “God don’t you love me enough to give me that kind of romance, the kind that I see in the two people to my right?”  Talk about being hit between the eyes.  God knows that I tend to not be so bright, so in this moment of self-pity He spelled it out in big bold letter written on three huge screens.  The greatest of all romance, love of God my Savior!

I’d like to tell you that I went home that day broke it off and have been happily serving Jesus every day since, but that is not how this story ends. Truthfully, I stayed in the relationship longer than I should have.  I believed that if I loved him enough and prayed for him enough that one day God would miraculously heal all that was broken and we would sail off into the sunset. Even now there is a part of me that still hurts to relive the story.  A part of me is still grieving the loss of the fairy tale. I would like to say that I am fully healed and that it doesn’t feel like something is missing from my life, but that just isn’t the case.  The truth is that there is in fact something missing in my life right now.  There is a hole that once belonged to a person who made me laugh and filled my Saturday nights with fun dates and Mario Kart competitions.  But there is also hope.  There is hope that God is still at work and He has a plan.  I am leaning into the words of Psalms 130:5 “I wait for the Lord, my soul does wait, and in His word do I hope.”

I love the bridge to the song above.  The words have become my anthem these past few weeks and I hope that I will be singing it through all of life’s trials and troubles.

to the one who has rescued my soul. to the one who has welcomed me home. to the one who is   Savior of all….

I sing forever